So honestly, I’m flabbergasted right now. At a loss for words…
I just spent the last 3 weeks with an incredible man. He catered to me, complimented me, and made me the focus of his universe. There was no point when I wasn’t the one who had every second of his attention. He was a great listener, a good communicator, didn’t try to change me for who I am and accepted when I was begrudging in shaving my body hair (well, that was probably the only thing he would have changed). But it was exhilarating to experience the feeling of being made the priority. Not since my last boyfriend, had I felt like I was the main priority in a guys life.
But we had talked about it only lasting 30 days. We made a pact from the start that at the end of thirty days, we would no longer be dating. It was clear and I thought it was perfect leading up to me leaving for Europe. Then things went south… I mentioned that I’d be seeing an old flame. Frenchie was clear that if we were committed to one another that that meant also being loyal to one another intimately. I couldn’t share my most intimate, prized act with anyone but him. And don’t get me wrong, the sex between us was phenomenal. We fucked almost every day. Bared ourselves to each other and let (almost) all our walls down. It felt so natural being with him – I didn’t have to thing twice about it. He’d look at my body and just exclaim, “wow.” How could a girl not fall for an act like that? Complete devotion, attention giving, a listener, a true passionate lover. He embodied almost everything I want in a man.. and the ticker? He’s 6’5.
However, I knew at the beginning… I said it multiple times – he’s not the one, but he’s going to be an incredible experience. At that time, I didn’t know what was going to play out. I didn’t expect that emotions would run deep enough for me to tell him I love him. Now, I’m wondering if it was an act of desperation. To hold onto him longer, to show him that I wasn’t really a commitment fraud, that I had what It took to be in a real relationship. Then he made me realize, my time is not now. Our time was most definitely not now and quite possibly never. He was a lesson. A 3 week lesson, a crash course on why we take relationships slow and give ourselves time. That a love doesn’t just blossom over a night but takes time and devotion. I can no longer accept that I’m going to have a “great love” like my parents…
I refuse to believe that though. I AM an incredible woman. I am strong, I am powerful, and I am beautiful. I have all the positive aspect of a woman. I am confident in my sexuality and in my spirit. I know what I want, when I want it, and how I’m going to get it. I have plans and a future that does not involve getting deep with men right now. I am still on my trailblazing path to greatness. No man can stop me, deter me, or make me wave on this conviction. I possess incredible power. I am THE Divine Feminine. Frenchie showed me that. While other men have criticized my form or not made me feel like I was perfect enough, he did. He was a portal into what my future will look like. I am confident that I will find my perfect human. He will be my age, tall, dark, and handsome. He will be able to take on this life side by side with me, my partner in crime. It may sound like I’m a hopeless romantic, but what be the problem with that? My mother told me I would have many great loves, she did too. And it’s because I have this Divine Feminine energy of caring, compassion, and nurturing that I can make men feel comfortable in my presence, enough to fall at my knees.
Just because things didn’t work out with Frenchie, doesn’t mean that I’m broken. I just have to be more observant. In this situation, I learned a new term - Lovebombing. Lovebombing is when a classified narcissist throws all of their love and affection on you. Suffocates you with passion, adoration, and priority until your head goes dizzy. They make you feel like you’re “the one.” Most girls most prized goal. Frenchie demanded ALL of my attention. If there was a free moment in the day, he made it his time. I sacrificed work and other goals to spend time with him when I could have easily been continuing to focus on myself. While I did still manage to get some time for myself, it was overwhelming having to deal with a betrayal from my homestay and moving to a different apartment, all the while trying to finalize my work permit so I could stay in Thailand for another 6 months. Frenchie hated that I was staying in Thailand for more time… but we had agreed at the beginning that our romance was only going to be during this month. So why did my future matter to him so much? What got me the most was his constant talk of having to let me go while loving me so hard. I couldn’t understand how someone who cared so deeply about me could also just sweep me under the rug. But it makes sense now, he had another girl in the picture. He tried to push me away, to end things while he could but I pushed back. I was still wearing my rose-colored glasses. I was so involved in his words, and follow through, that I forgot my ultimate goal – myself.
I made the choice to spend almost every night with him... but he made it hard for me to not. Between the incredible sex and the beautifully long conversations, the constant compliments and dirty talk, it was easy to get “lost in the sauce.” I’m realizing now that I should have heeded one friends advice – don’t forget to make time for yourself. I didn’t spend enough nights in my own bed. I could have and should have just fucked and dipped and kept him on his toes. Instead, I fell into his sweet Venus Fly Trap of love and let myself get eaten alive by his complimentary words and actions.
So when things got sour between us in the last couple days, I couldn’t help but let myself get completely eaten alive. I let him dictate the relationship, our ground rules. I hadn’t created any ground rules for myself. I tried my best to fit into his ideal mold of a partner, that I forgot my own. I was blind to his suffocating manipulations and it has now left me feeling empty all the way until the end. Even the end of our relationship is on his terms… he’s the one who walked out without anymore conversation. But I don’t blame him, everything that needed to be said had been already. Going up to Pai was an attempt to save our relationship, to see if it could actually work and within hours it faulted. If that isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is haha. I guess I’m just taking this hard because I’m the one feeling like a loser. I’m a playa that just got played at her own game. I thought I could fall in love for just a month and then let it be, but that’s not how love works. Another turn around the toxic man cycle. A cycle I thought I’d confidently broken. The demise of our relationship laid in my lack of recognition. Once again, I purposefully turned away red flags and replaced them with sex – a part of the cycle.
I made sex one of the main aspects of the relationship because my sexuality was easy to manipulate in his eyes. If I exerted Divine Feminine enough, I knew he would fall into my Venus Fly Trap. But I’m realizing this was a two way street of manipulation. I toyed with his head, something he mentioned quite a bit, and played on his emotions by telling him I loved him. I actively worked to engage just as much of his attention as he sucked out of mine. Maybe that’s called “giving 100%” to a relationship, but a toxic one will only get you burned in the end.
I know he won’t forget me. Our time was too impressionable to forget. I made him fall in love with me. Just being me was enough for him to fall in love with. While I may have used my sensuality to my advantage, I remained myself throughout the process. I was unwavering in my stance to shave any of my body hair and I spoke my mind freely. He admired my passion and my craziness. He saw my flame of determination and it was clear he knew he’d get get in the way. This wasn’t going to end well from the start and we knew that just several days in.
What an important lesson to have in this lifetime. Learning how to love and be loved, how to manage our outrageousness, how to create boundaries. Like I said before, this was a looking glass into a future relationship. Frenchie was only a preview for what’s to come. He showed me what I deserved and how I should receive it… the timing was just off like two ships in the night. There are plenty more ships that will sail the seas and my voyage isn’t nearly over.